A Land War in Asia

NFL Power Rankings – Week 2

When I think of potency, I can’t help but think of the Im- and the Omni-. The Colts are once again dominating auditions for the next wave of Cialis commercials (perhaps someone could arrange adjoining outdoor bathtubs for Kerry Collins and Austin Collie; they’ll connect on a pass one of these days – after all, you never know when the mood might strike).

At the other end of the spectrum, we have the Green Bay Packers. Or do we? God can’t logically be both omniscient and omnipotent. Which one is yours?

As always, I’ve watched every play from every game this season. Feel free to accuse me of idiocy but not ignorance (I know, you usually hear it the opposite way).

32. Indianapolis 0-2 Projected Finish 2-14 (LW 32)

The Colts usually tank to avoid perfection. Too bad that won’t help them avoid the perfect record they’re staring at this year.

31. Seattle Seahawks 0-2 Projected Finish 2-14 (LW 28)

The Seahawks graded out as the No. 1 pass-blocking team in football in 2010 according to Pro Football Focus. Um, good thing they made all those changes.

30. Kansas City Chiefs 0-2 Projected Finish 1-15 (LW 27)

When you want to be old school/hard core, you’ve got about an 18 month window to turn things around. The Chiefs brain trust has missed theirs.

29. Minnesota Vikings 0-2 Projected Finish 3-13 (LW 30)

Percy Harvin’s usage? Inconceivable.

28. Cleveland Browns 1-1 Projected Finish 3-13 (LW 31)

So. Little. Talent.

27. Cincinnati Bengals 1-1 Projected Finish 3-13 (LW 25)

The Benson suspension could give the Bengals a huge boost. The looming Jerome Simpson catastrophe, not so much.

26. San Francisco 49ers 1-1 Projected Finish 5-11 (LW 29)

Maybe the Niners could bring back Singletary as a life coach for Vernon Davis.

25. Denver Broncos 1-1 Projected Finish 6-10 (LW 26)

Kyle Orton is a borderline elite QB except on 3rd down, red zone, and 4th quarter opportunities. He’s easily the brightest spot in the organization.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-1 Projected Finish 4-12 (LW 22)

The Jags have given their young QOTF the Matt Cassel treatment weapons-wise, but it’s still a relief to turn the page on the Luke McCown era.

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1-1 Projected Finish 5-11 (LW 16)

The Bucs have their triplets – Freeman/Blount/Williams – but do they have playoff upside?

22. Miami Dolphins 0-2 Projected Finish 5-11 (LW 17)

Just playing to keep it close won’t give Sparano much cover if they lose double digit games.

21. St. Louis Rams 0-2 Projected Finish 6-10 (LW 20)

Perhaps instead of punting down 12 with 6 minutes left you could save everybody time and just start the process of both teams kneeling.

20. Arizona Cardinals 1-1 Projected Finish 9-7 (LW 21)

If Chansi Stuckey doesn’t fumble, the Cardinals are probably 2-0 with victories over average-but-ascending clubs. A couple of quick questions: Why was Chansi Stuckey on the field? Why is Chansi Stuckey on the roster?

19. New York Giants 1-1 Projected Finish 7-9 (LW 19)

While they won despite getting owned on both sides of the ball, the Giants spent Week 2 auditioning for one of those That’s the 2nd Unmanly Thing You Did Today commercials.

18. Tennessee Titans 1-1 Projected Finish 6-10 (LW 23)

Maybe Matt Hasselbeck’s apparent demise was a Pete Carroll production.

17. Carolina Panthers 0-2 Projected Finish 6-10 (LW 24)

My sometimes there’s a man column would have looked a lot more prescient if it had featured Cam Newton.

16. Chicago Bears 1-1 Projected Finish 7-9 (LW 12)

The Bears appear to be playing some type of high stakes poker with the Colts and Steelers to see which team will be the first to actually get their QB decapitated.

15. Oakland Raiders 1-1 Projected Finish 8-8 (LW 15)

Raiders fans who’ve been put through a decade of ridiculously boring football have to be ecstatic at the performances of Jason Campbell, Darren McFadden, and Denarius Moore.

14. Washington Racial Slurs 2-0 Projected Finish 9-7 (LW 14)

An ugly win for the Fighting Racial Epithets. Give it three weeks until this is the Beck/Helu show.

13. Buffalo Bills 2-0 Projected Finish 9-7 (LW 18)

Check out where Ryan Fitzpatrick, Fred Jackson, Stevie Johnson, Donald Jones, and David Nelson were taken in their respective drafts. You won’t believe the path these guys took to where they are now.

12. Atlanta Falcons 1-1 Projected Finish 10-6 (LW 13)

Dimitroff’s aggressive gamble to go after Julio Jones was a stroke of brilliance, but there is a downside. The Falcons have been manhandled in the trenches two weeks in a row (which is not as homoerotic as it sounds).

11. San Diego Chargers 1-1 Projected Finish 11-5 (LW 11)

Every time you think the bizarre losses suffered by Norv Turner-coached teams are not his fault, you get hit with another example. Is it possible for an entire team to lack situational awareness?

10. New York Jets 2-0 Projected Finish 11-5 (LW 10)

If you don’t think Rex Ryan is a coaching genius, you don’t have any sense of just how bad the Jets offense is. In the modern NFL, you almost have to be Einstein to consistently win with such terrible offensive play.

9. Dallas Cowboys 1-1 Projected Finish 10-6 (LW 9)

Since the NFL merger, Tony Romo resides in the history books with the highest number of yards per passing attempt (8.11), but it doesn’t matter because he’s a choker who would never play through injury to lead his team on a dramatic come-from-behind-victory. . .

8. Philadelphia Eagles 1-1 Projected Finish 10-6 (LW 4)

Michael Vick was knocked from the game on a wicked hit that threatened to separate his head from his body. The takeaway: Vick isn’t cut out for this kind of thing. I mean, if I had a dog that went down like that in fight, I’d probably slam him on the ground repeatedly, give him some electroshock therapy, and try a little permanent water boarding on him. (Don’t worry, next week I’m going to apologize and claim to have found God. We can spend that column talking about what a feel good story I am.)

7. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-1 Projected Finish 11-5 (LW 8)

Wow, talk about humiliating. When Warren Sapp went into his old and washed up speech he wasn’t talking about his performance as a dancer or a buffoonish TV commentator, he was talking about a Steelers team that lost to a Ravens team . . . that was about to lose to the Titans. In other news, defeating the Seahawks only 28-0 is a little embarrassing in its own right.

6. Baltimore Ravens 1-1 Projected Finish 11-5 (LW 3)

You can hear Ozzie Newsome telling Bill Polian, “You think developing a backup QB is hard, try developing a No. 2 receiver.”

5. Houston Texans 2-0 Projected Finish 12-4 (LW 7)

They were kinda more fun when the defense stunk.

4. Detroit Lions 2-0 Projected Finish 11-5 (LW 6)

The Lions have now won 6 in a row, but you can still excuse them for not having mastered garbage time.

3. New Orleans Saints 1-1 Projected Finish 11-5 (LW 4)

In his first two games, Emmitt Smith rushed 8 times for 13 yards, so fear not, Mark Ingram is ahead of pace.

2. New England Patriots 2-0 Projected Finish 14-2 (LW 2)

You almost get the impression the Patriots are giving up all of those yards and points because Belichick owns his guys in fantasy leagues and wants the excuse to keep chucking it.

1. Green Bay Packers 2-0 Projected Finish 13-3 (LW 1)

The Packers spent last weekend channeling Norv Turner. Let’s see, how can we keep things interesting?

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