Rip Riley: I’m setting the autopilot, but this better not be a ruse.
Sterling Archer: A ruse? Brrring, brrring. Hello. Hi, it’s the 1930’s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?
These draft wrap-up columns are an attempt to help readers find all Banana Stand-related content on the recent NFL Draft. The following are my Top 10 teams in the grades I issued for RotoViz. The Jets managed to draft my No. 1 ranked player at No. 39 overall, which counts as a successful ruse by any definition. New York fans will simply have to hope I understand NFL player projection better than Sterling understood how autopilot worked.
Click on the team for a more in-depth look at their draft strategy and new rookies. Click on the player to brush up on their prospects in upcoming rookie drafts.
In Cracking the Geno Code, I’ve explained why the scouting criticisms are malarkey. His newly fired agents have been bashing him in back channels, which should help you land RotoViz’s unanimous No. 1 QB at a substantial discount in rookie drafts. He’ll put Mark Sanchez in the rear view mirror early in training camp.
Le’Veon Bell possesses an elite Agility Score and the Steelers agreed with me on his draft profile. They may have just gotten the next Doug Martin. (Ryan Rouillard’s awesome new projection system confirms that he should be the first pick in rookie drafts.) While the Jags drew all the wrong conclusions from their analytic work, Pittsburgh added key parts to their roster. Ben Roethlisberger will really appreciate the help as he tries to make their offense work sans Mike Wallace.
Arthur Brown will be the top IDP in rookie drafts, and Aaron Mellette was an absurd value at 238. He could win the Week 1 starting job opposite Torrey Smith. I still think Joe Flacco may have negative roster value at his new salary. Look for more on that in the near future.
DeAndre Hopkins was the best match of value and need among skill position players. He should form a formidable 1-2 punch with Andre Johnson and help rejuvenate Matt Schaub. The Texans will need the passing game if Arian Foster’s malaise extends another year.
I’m souring on the trio of Marcus Lattimore, Vance McDonald, or Quinton Patton, but the 49ers landed each at a value while also adding significant defensive talent. Colin Kaepernick should be well-stocked with weapons for years to come.
Eddie Lacy may have led the NCAA in success rate, but that’s a pure nonsense stat. He remains an enigma as part of an Alabama timeshare. Johnathan Franklin doesn’t fit into one of my priority draft profiles and should settle in as a low value satellite back. Now that I’ve had more time to reflect, I’d probably give them a lower grade, but they did select my pre-draft No. 1 receiver.
The new NFL villains made value picks in selecting Kenny Vaccaro and Terron Armstead. This grade represents turnabout as I’ve been bashing the Saints’ pick of Mark Ingram for three years. This evaluation doesn’t take the ridiculous Chris Ivory trade into consideration. Pierre Thomas gained a bunch of fantasy value on draft weekend.
Ezekial Ansah may have the most star power of any player in this draft. He’ll be a monster next to Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley. Expect Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson to love the Corey Fuller selection. He’s a stealth favorite to lead rookie WRs in 2013 scoring.
Tavon Austin is a super-charged version of Dexter McCluster. So . . . ehh? Stedman Bailey may be the best receiver in the draft. Zac Stacy is an Agility Score star. RotoViz enthusiasm has started a grassroots campaign to make Stacy the top rookie RB. In terms of fantasy furor, Isaiah Pead was so last week. As for Daryl Richardson, is he still on the roster?
10) Washington B+
I previously tackled teams 11-22 in a pineapple-inspired I’ve Heard It Both Ways.
For teams who choked their selections, be prepared to Return to the Darkest Timeline.