A Land War in Asia

NFL Power Rankings – Week 2

When I think of potency, I can’t help but think of the Im- and the Omni-. The Colts are once again dominating auditions for the next wave of Cialis commercials (perhaps someone could arrange adjoining outdoor bathtubs for Kerry Collins and Austin Collie; they’ll connect on a pass one of these days – after all, you never know when the mood might strike).

At the other end of the spectrum, we have the Green Bay Packers. Or do we? God can’t logically be both omniscient and omnipotent. Which one is yours?

As always, I’ve watched every play from every game this season. Feel free to accuse me of idiocy but not ignorance (I know, you usually hear it the opposite way).

32. Indianapolis 0-2 Projected Finish 2-14 (LW 32)

The Colts usually tank to avoid perfection. Too bad that won’t help them avoid the perfect record they’re staring at this year.

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Fantasy Football Quixotism

 

This isn’t Fantasy 101

Everyone is a beginner sometime, but fantasy football isn’t rocket science. If you’re truly interested in learning about something, the best approach is usually to dive right in. Most of the stuff on the internet won’t get you up to speed very quickly.

The big corporate websites all cater to mainstream audiences in the same way that network television does. The general formula goes something like this: Reiterate rankings that are a carbon copy of last year’s finish + Joke that would even embarrass the Two and a Half Men writers = A column that will engender responses in the comments section like ‘AP rulz’ and ‘Cant belive u dont hav McFadden higher.’

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Bill Polian’s Name is Earl

With one NFL weekend in the history books, it’s time for the inaugural Power Rankings Money in the Banana Stand-style. Unlike many pundits, I’ve watched every play from every game last weekend. I somehow doubt that will make my future predictions more accurate.

32. Indianapolis Colts 0-1 Projected Final Record 3-13

Bill Polian and Jim Caldwell spit in the face of their fans, their players, and fantasy addicts everywhere when they flagrantly threw away a chance at perfection in 2009. Karma has no expiration date. Expect continued and permanent retribution from the football gods.

Welcome to the final draft legacy of former NFL luminary Bill Polian:

2006 Pick #30 Joseph Addai, 2007 Pick #32 Anthony Gonzalez, Pick #42 Tony Ugoh, 2008 Pick forfeited for right to select Ugoh, 2009 Pick #29 Donald Brown, 2010 Pick #31 Jerry Hughes.

The Colts were starting to slide with Peyton at the helm. Without him, they’re the least talented team in football.

31. Cleveland Browns 0-1 Projected Record 3-13

Which do you think is most horrifying for Browns fans? A) Mike Holmgren, Football Czar. B) We just lost a game where Andy Dalton played one half, Bruce Gradkowski played the other, and we couldn’t stop either of them. C) Ben Watson and Evan Moore are 1A and 1B in the passing game.

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The Case Against Mark Ingram

Ingram

If the Mark Ingram hype train was being driven only by the ESPNs and Peter Kings of the world, it would be easy to ignore.  Since the gratuitous praise emanates from a wide variety of football sites, I feel it’s worth addressing.

Footballguys does a great job of catering to the masses while maintaining its status as a serious football site. It’s most compelling writer, Matt Waldman, also runs the Rookie Scouting Portfolio, an excellent scouting-oriented site that oozes legitimate football information.

I get a kick out of reading scouting reports for the same reason it can be mildly interesting to scroll through movie reviews.  No matter how objective you attempt to be, you have no way to filter your biases – a gut feeling develops first and then the mind sets out to make a detailed list of supposedly objective observations that buttress what your instinct tells you.

Waldman adores Ingram.

Obviously many other people love Ingram as well. He’s often compared to Emmitt Smith, the NFL’s all-time leading rusher. Despite such heavyweight references, I still think Ingram’s value is inflated for a wide variety of reasons.

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